(via itsyourdecision)
i know, i know. but damn.
Insomnia, how I have missed you. This time last year I was lying here doing pretty much the same thing, chewing a sock to stop my teeth from grinding and watching those late night infomercials for blenders or whatever. The doctor signed me off for a whole month so I could stop wanting to die. It worked for longer than I thought it would.
I’m glad I have work tomorrow. Don’t get me wrobg, I hate my job, but they need me there and there are people there who would worry if I didn’t turn up, and sad as it sounds, that is my motivation to get up tomorrow. Maybe I should be thinking about changing my meds. I miss being so zoned out that everything was funny. Ex told me on Friday that he might be sick again. He’s waiting for hospital results. I know he needs me to be there for him but I want to cut him off completely and firget he exists which is impossible when he tugs my heart strings with talk of serious illness. Fuck, I’m so fucking morose at times.
Anyway, happier things! Housemate got his friend who used to work wardrobe for tv to come show me how to give my hair that munitions worker wartime look. It worked out so good I actually let danny take a picture. Sweet. And this weekend: London roller derby trip!!! Woo.
I am someone else, I am not me.
I am so hungry I feel high, but eating is not important. I’m obsessed with writing things down. I’ve discovered a kink in me that frightens the hell outta me. I’m someone else.
I got asked on a date last night. I said maybe, I don’t think he’s thinking about introducing me to his mum when he looks at me if you know what I mean, but people are saying that is just what I need. I just find it impossible to know someone in that way again, especially without some kind of emotional attatchment. What the fuck am I saying?
I feel like I need someone strong and loyal who I can trust and allow to do things to me that I’m afraid to do to myself, but my head says no- do the bad boy with the awesome dirty mouth and enjoy it and never get so involved that you can’t walk away at any time.
But I’m scared.
LOOKBOOK: a rant
Dear Posers of Lookbook, I love seeing people feel good about themselves, but you take it to a whole new level. The smug, mutual appreciation society that is Lookbook is try-hard and embarrassing. Surely the purpose of a fierce outfit is to be seen out wearing it? I have been looking through your outfits for about an hour now and have seen various, hilarious staged photos (here I am looking super fash next to a bike, looking hot just reclining over a pile of my parents records etc) but not one of a person in a rad outfit genuinely out somewhere having a good time. I believe in fashion, I believe it is important to throw as much of your personality into what you’re wearing as you possibly can, but it’s also important to be able to kinda slum it sometimes. I’ve been letting my slummage get out of control recently so I’m banning myself from it, but you lot seriously could do with more band tees and jeans in your lives. You must all be fucking students to have the time/disposable income to pick out a gazillion topshop necklaces to wear over the urban outfitters £30 t-shirt you’re pretending to have just chucked on. Take to the streets, people. If I think I look a bit of alright I’m more concerned about throwing my dress around the dancefloor than having my picture taken in it. Fucks sake.
Maybe I’m just getting old and cynical, but not even on a good day would I bore anyone with a painfully obvious fake self- timer photo by a fence that looks a bit French or whatever.
Stop making me cringe. Love Holly
Just cut myself in a nifty little bettie page fringe. I think it kinda suits me. Have put all jeans and bummer garments to the bottom of my wardrobe: operation glamour is now in action. Ok, I can’t give up the odd bleached denim bit- just gotta make it fierce.
This is progress, you know. Dumped and still liking myself. Hooray.
(via papermacheshoes)
by the end of this week, i’ll have my new skizzates!
this weekend is for partying, then transitions and laterals. military style.
I have a wall of maps
in my room but i’ve never been anywhere
Today I spent lots of time writhing around on my bed in pain. Some months my stomach twists and cramps and aches so bad it makes me chatter my teeth. Doc says it is my body reacting to coming off the pill but I think it is my body telling me I’m a useless, weak piece of shit who doesn’t eat right and still expects to push it physically.
Ex turned up at 5am. I threw his belongings out of my bedroom window at him then felt kinda bad and went to talk to him for a few minutes. Was still pretty hostile, but hey, it’s like poking a sleeping bear- just fucking don’t do it obviously.
